"A couple of days in an addict’s life!", Tor Jo Riise Meyer (Norway)
torjo@formogfunksjon.no
A couple of days in an addict’s life!

I actually don’t know how or when it started and I don’t give a shit anymore,
but I do know that in a short period of time of my life, I fucked it all up!
There were no signs, no warnings; no one actually could give me a warning;
I was the only one who knew.
It kind of crept upon me like an itch or an unavoidable flu!

It’s just morning and already the office walls seems to close around me; my
shirt is all wet and tucked to my body like it is glued on me. I could not
breathe; the text on my computer screen got blurry and flickered like an old
television with a bad signal. 
I knew I had to make that call, the call that would set me free, even only for
a while. Or will it? Maybe it would trap me in my addictions, maybe if I
didn’t make the call I would feel free… I dialed the number. The voice at the
other end is warm and familiar nearly whispering, “so you are not coming
home for dinner?” Another minute and I am “free”; the phone clicks and that
familiar warm feeling starts spreading in my body. Couldn’t wait for the
evening so I sneak out of the office.
I’ve been there before, so the route towards that part of town is familiar to
me. I park the car and walk the last block. I’m just another businessman on
the way to a meeting!
 
The room in the basement of the old worn out building is semi dark, like in
the hours between dusk and total darkness. I’m not alone, but I can only feel
the presence of the others, like ghosts or shadows. The smell of herbs is
strong and builds an invisible wall from the outside world.
I just flow, or maybe more like float or even freefall. As I inhale it, again
and again, I fill my lungs with the soft humid air; it’s like standing inside
one of that cotton like cumulus clouds and just taking deep breaths from the
top of my lungs, filling them completely. I stretch out my arms able to feel
the tingling sensation slowly reaching my fingertips; the feeling is spreading
trough my body like an army of small invisible worrier and then… the total
emptiness. It’s not like a normal emptiness, more like a hollow feeling, like
a vacuum that empties my entire body. I look down at my feet, they are so
far away like they belong to somebody else, my mind don’t control the
movements of my limbs, maybe it’s true, maybe they do belong to
somebody else. I close my eyes but I still have the image of my feet far
away, like seen through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars. It’s been a
while and the image is still there, imprinted on the inside of my eyelids! It
seems to last forever but slowly I start to gain control, not of all my limbs at
once, but when I move a little finger it actually works. I don’t want to open
my eyes, want to stay in this world of illusion, I want to be inside that cotton
cloud forever, and then… the light.
A voice forms in my head, keep repeating a name, I wonder if it can be
mine, the voice keeps on repeating the same name, over and over again. It’s
getting stronger like someone slowly turns up the volume and in the end it’s
overwhelming, I want to scream stop, it’s like a sharp pain every time the
name is repeated. My voice is not responding; as I leave the opium house I
tell myself, I’m in control, I’m still in control!

 I don’t know why I need this but I know that I have to keep on feeding my
cravings that is becoming more and more demanding!
You would not recognize me in the street, I am not the man begging in the
corner of your eyes, you know, the one you don’t even look at! I’m the sharp
dressed good-looking successful man that you look up to; the one that
women turns their heads after and if their eyes meet mine they blush. I’m the
one whom other businessmen look up to and respect. Last week, without any
satisfaction, I landed a large deal for my company, but it’s never enough. 
I want to tell you about some “normal” couple of days in my life, the hours
when all went to hell!
The fucking itch doesn’t stop; still don’t feel satisfied. I can’t remember the
last time I did. Woke up beside my beautiful wife, she was still sleeping
when I went to the bathroom, my reflection in the mirror shows a nearly
perfect man, my skin is darkened from the sailing in the weekends and the
golf games with colleges. The nicely trimmed beard, and my high
cheekbones emphasize my clear blue eyes that look back at me with
satisfaction. My blond shortcut hair has no gray stains in it and I am almost
45 years old.

I’m out of the door, just one short stop; I need just one more distraction
before I go to the office. I know they are not going to wonder if I’m late; I
am in the position to do what I want, I own the bloody company.
The darkness fills the room completely, the cold floor feels like ice but still
when my bear feet get in contact with it, the warm sensation creeps up my
legs from my foot soles up to my crotch and makes the blood run faster
trough my entire body. The soft fabric that covers my eyes feels like a wall
between me, and the rest of the world! I can’t see her though I can strongly
feel her presence. I can hear her breathing, slowly, like she is totally in
control.  I know that I have to surrender, to totally give in to my fears and let
her take control of my body. The pain is not strong just strong enough to
make me feel alive, to make all my senses be on alert. The next stroke of the
whip burns lightly on my skin, I feel frighten but more excited. I know that
she’s there and that her presence is so strong that I feel like I’m one with her.
I wonder where the next stroke is going to be, and then... a sharp pain that
feels so good, so totally painfully good! I want to feel the place where she
hit me with my fingers, but my wrists are securely tied and I can’t move a
millimeter. I want so much to feel the heat of the skin, to touch the spot
where the whip so briskly met it, and then another sting, like an electric
shock hits my back. The sensation is strong, my legs are threatening to give
in, I feel the pain like waves through my entire body, my mind goes blank, I
want more...and then I come! My body shakes, I’m down on my knees. I can
taste the salt from my tears in my mouth; the shame starts to creep upon me
as she slowly unties my wrists.
Still in control, I keep repeating the words, still in control.

I’m in the office and it is just 5 pm. There’s an hour before all usually leave.
The last one left, and my secretary sticks her head in and comments on me
working late again, I’m alone… or actually not. 
She looks at me with blurry eyes, her body is slender and untouched, and my
finger runs over the keyboard of the computer. I zoom in on her perfect
breasts, my pulse is visible on the wrists, my hand is on the mouse
navigating the web frantically; another picture, again and again, new young
and beautiful unspoiled bodies. My other hand is lightly stroking my crotch;
I can feel that I’m getting excited. They are young, their skins are so smooth,
their perfect limbs are so incredible tempting, my brain starts fantasizing. I
can feel their smell, the smell of their innocents, their skin so smooth and
warm, my hands start caressing them, I feel their soft female hands, I want to
fill them, control them, and they want to be controlled.  I need them as much
as they need me. Then… that warm sensation when my brain and the
sexuality becomes one. 

Moments later I’m in my car; the only place where I am all alone and still
don’t feel lonely; this is where the ultimate freedom is. I love the leather
smell, the sound of the engine, the dimed light of the dashboard. 
Just one round, it’s starting to be like a routine; never picked one up though.
I just want to look, just want to feel the rush, so what if they look sleazy…
it’s still intriguing, exiting… maybe one day…

Home in the “safety” of my house. I turn on the flat screen, shit, this is
boring! She’s already asleep. There’s nothing on, and even if there was, I
can’t concentrate!
What if I go for a spin? I sneak out the door; I let the car slide down to the
road before I start the engine. 
I feel free again, free to explore and satisfy the ever so growing cravings in
my system. 

The smell of humidity and old furniture is there like a secure wall around
me. The sound of the conversations and the dim light tucks me in. The
familiar sensation of satisfaction fills my brain, and I feel peace and safety,
as the alcohol slowly enters my body using my veins to transport the escape
to the remote parts of my conciseness. I let my body slowly disappear to a
place where I don’t need anything or anybody to feel at ease, I’m once again
totally in control. Now, I can do anything I want, be anyone, if I just keep on
filling my system with the warmth of the fluid, my body will soon disappear
and I will become invisible for the rest of the world. 
I keep on filling and filling until I’m no longer in control. I gave it away, all
my self-control it’s gone. I fight to get it back but I simply can’t, my body is
no longer my possession. The emptiness fills me like a cloud of ink, dark
black ink and I can’t stop it, can’t control it and I give in to it and disappear.

The room smells like cigarettes, beside me in bed, there’s a total stranger, a
woman. She is half naked and I can see that she’s not a young girl.  I try to
orientate, but I’ve never been here in this room. It’s a worn down room
without any personal things. I’m in a hotel room. I have no recollection of
yesterday evening and how I ended up here, and that woman next to me;
God she’s ugly! The shame starts to creep in on me. I look at the watch, it’s
already 10 am, got to get out of there!
“Where have you been?” she almost screamed at me on the phone, the
working late thing didn’t work, she knew I was home last night. Don’t
wanna go home again.   
My head was pounding, I needed something fast. The hotel was just a few
blocks away from my office, but I slipped in to the bar across the street. Just
a couple of drinks and I would feel like a king again.
Back at the office, change the shirt, always had a clean one in case; you
never know.
 
My head feel light, but I need a fix, I need something. The car was parked in
garage where I left it; I felt good to be inside, safe and comfortable. I
wondered if the “girls” where out so early, they where. Two standing in the
shadow, I pass them slowly not taking my eyes from them. Suddenly, there
is a dull bump, did I hit something? She is lying on the asphalt looking at me
with empty eyes. She can’t be more then seventeen. I helped her getting into
the car; “do you need to go to the hospital?” She looks at me with empty
eyes… I’m on my way to get a fix, need a fix!
 
I wait in the car with the engine running; this is not a place I feel safe. Five
minutes and she’s back; drive, she says! 
She rolls up her sleeves and fixes the rubber band, the whole session takes
about two minutes, and the expression on her face is peaceful, totally
peaceful. I drive to a small parking outside of town. In her lap there is still
the syringe and a small bag with powder. She looks at me with empty eyes
when I took the spoon; she could as well be dead.

I am falling and it feels like a bottomless cave, I reach out to slow the fall
but there’s nothing I can do.  My body speeds true the darkness. Then I wake
up, I don’t want to wake up; I want to have that sensation. I want to feel that
pure gold running trough my veins! Was just a small sting like a mosquito
sucking blood from my body. 
The warm sensation and the whole world are enlarging, like seeing myself
through enhancement glasses; I’m bigger then life. I longed for this escape,
craved for it and now it’s here, finally I can relax, so total that there’s no
past, no future, it’s only now! The time stands still, I’m there… but still I’m
not. I keep my eyes closed and the time touches me like waves on a beach, it
drags me out to push me back on the soft sand. I try to open my eyes and the
reality drags me slowly back into the world. Don’t want to go back, want to
stay there inside the comforting mist. 
The sound of the siren is like a sharp pain in my head, a flickering light,
what the hell?
 
“Sir, can I see your license and registration please?” Too late, the rubber
strap is still around my arm and the syringe on the seat between my legs.
When I turn, she’s there cold and distant, God, is she dead?
Sir, please show me your hands and step out of the car!

Hi, my name is John and I’m an addict. 

Tor Jo Riise Meyer (Norway)
torjo@formogfunksjon.no